


A Good Day To Be Alive

by deanandsam



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Brotherly Love, Brothers, Gen, POV Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 07:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14711570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanandsam/pseuds/deanandsam
Summary: Dean thinks back to the first time he lost Sam, and just like first love, that first agony of loss is never forgotten.References to Cold Oak and Broward County.One-shot. Dean's POV.





	A Good Day To Be Alive

Is there a name for a person whose love for their sibling takes precedence over any other?  
‘deanwinchesteritis’ maybe, I mused ironically. 

Whatever type of love you can think of, sexual, paternal, maternal; mine for Sammy is stronger, and as I grow older it becomes more intense, more binding. The passing of time only confirms that Sam is the one person I want to spend eternity with.  
I remember the first time I lost him, back at Cold Oak. My heart was still broken by dad’s loss, of the sacrifice he'd made for me.  
I’d cursed him then, cursed him for not letting me die. I’d been ready to go with Teresa, to be accompanied by the reaper to whatever destination was waiting for me.  
Yet with that action, Dad had confirmed how much he really loved us.  
He'd saved me and in so doing, saved Sammy too.

 

When Sam breathed his last in my arms on the muddy ground of the ghost town, my hand grazing the leaking red of his lifeblood from the wound in his back, his head flopping down boneless on my shoulder, I’d never felt such agony and loss and I realised I probably never would again.  
I reckon first pain is a little like first love. It’s that which we remember, always.

After three days of desperation, watching Sam’s corpse begin its natural decomposition, I couldn’t take it any longer and I did to Sam what dad had done to me. The same deal with a demon. A soul for a life.  
Of course, when Sam found out, he reacted exactly as I had with dad’s sacrifice, he was pissed up to the gills, but I didn’t care one fuck. Sam was alive and all it had cost was my useless soul.  
That had been the beginning for me and my baby brother, a seemingly never-ending cycle of death and resurrection. 

In Broward County it had taken on the guise of a merry-go-round, though it was Sam who suffered most, watching me die each day. That’s how I know my brother is stronger than me. If I’d had to watch Sam die each day…well, I don’t know how I’d have reacted.  
He’s never really told me all he went through, but the intense, silent hug I got our last morning in the motel room, when Sam threw himself on me, was self-explanatory.  
Sammy had suffered terribly and I had been the cause.

I recognised every nuance of that hug because I’d hugged him in the self-same way when I’d seen him alive once more after Cold Oak.  
It was one of desperation, of anger at having been deprived of one’s brother; filled with the terse joy of having him back, yet with the terror that it might happen again with permanent consequences.

 

 

‘Hey! You ready to go yet, Dean?’  
My brother stood in the doorway, tall, well-muscled, healthy, his bitch-face in place as he saw me anything but!  
I was still stretched out on my bed, the tendrils of my thoughts only now exiting my mind.

I smiled up at him, at my brother. I’d never told him how much I loved him. Oh, it was blatantly obvious in all my words and actions but I’d never actually come straight out and said it.

It was time I did.  
Time I told Sam how much he meant to me and how I could never go on living without my sasquatch of a brother by my side.  
But I didn’t feel the moment was quite right yet. Maybe we’d have to die and be resurrected a couple of times more first! But I was definitely getting there.

 

‘I’m coming, Sammy. Don’t get your pants in a twist. Can’t a guy have some me time.’

Sam’s eyes narrowed. He knew me too well.  
‘I’ll go wait in the car. Just…get a move on,’ was all he said but I knew he'd prod and bitch his way to getting me to spill. Maybe he'd succeed and maybe he wouldn't.  
I grinned up at him as I got off the bed and padded past into the corridor.

We had a ghost to put down. Sam had already figured everything out. All we had to do was dig up the grave and burn the bones.

I almost skipped my way to the shower. 

For the present, we were both alive, together, and I had over a hundred miles of road to travel with my Baby under my ass and my baby brother in the passenger seat.

It was a good day to be alive.

The end


End file.
